holy shit it has been forever since I wrote in this piece of shit. Well to fill all in I'm now in a relationshop with the greatest guy a girl could ever hope to have. He is my match in almost every way. Problem? Of course there is always a problem...he tends to be fickle and even tho he says me and him are for a long haul its hard to blieve him...I am constantly waiting for the bottom of the basket to drop out and this whole thing to go spilling on the floor. Not to mention he and his dad got into a fight yesterday and he said just so I wouldn't see him as the true asshole he can be when he is put under stress not to be surprised if he breaks up with me in the next couple of weeks. So you can see where I am aprehensive. But no matter what happens I can't help it I just care about him so much and I love being with him, all I want to do is take care of him and be there for him, but I feel like he isn't letting me. I really don't know what to do...the scariest thing is and oh god damn me for saying this i think i may love him...EEKS! but thats not for sure yet so don't you dare qoute me on it...but its not like it matters anyway i know he doesn't love me...

it still hurts to this day...all the pain i felt...i dont dwell on the past like others but when its thrown in your face its kind of hard to ignore...i try to forget all that he did to me but when he sits there and says he wants me back and he has grown up and he wants to right his wrongs...what do you say? do you say YES I WANT YOU LIKE I HAVE NEVER WANTED YOU BEFORE?!...no. that would be lying. do you say NO YOU HURT ME ONCE I WILL NEVER EVER LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN! NO ONE WILL EVER HURT ME LIKE YOU DID!...no. thats impractical and most likely not true as well...

here is what i do know. i have feelings for two guys...one is untouchable and the other i have...i dont want to screw things up with him...but my past being thrown in my face helps nothing...i cant live in the past...i wont! what he did was unforgivable but i forgave him. he says he feels guilt everyday well that is only one once of the pain i felt...i just wish he understood it hurts to much to go back...it hurts too much to hear him say those things...because then i think what is so different between then and now...why wasn't i good enough then?...i just need this part of my past to stop trying to cartwheel back in my life because i just cant do it right now...it still hurts too much. and i dont think he will ever understand truely how i feel..because all he knows is how he feels...

*I cried when I lost you
In my sleep I would see your face
Haunting me like so many ghosts
I was finally able to live again
to smile and then you came back
with your words and promises
and my tears came back, breaking through the dam I made
now I stand here before you again the two faced being I was
I smile in your presence but cry in the bed of turmoil you lay
just let me lie...to dream my haunting dreams...just let me lie*

Ask yourself this question the next time you think about you feel (because no doubt you will read this): Immature love says: "I love you because I need you." Mature love says: "I need you because I love you."

jelousy bites...more later...

hahahahaha i update..or do i?

http://www.beatles-popart.com/beatles-images/frontJohnD.jpg

http://www.tracks-japan.com/memorabilia/JOHN%20LENNON%20SHOT%20DEAD.gif

John Lennon
10.9.40-12.8.80
R.I.P
You were taken too soon.


Imagine

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.


Knowing that today was the 25th anniversery of his death just made me sad...not just because he was one of the greatest musicians ever alive he tried to teach us that peace can be achieved one person at a time. but to think that some one could take someone so great in cold blood for personal gain and vainity is sickening. I hope one day we can all be like John Lennon and try to live in peace and harmony with one another then maybe we could get through this horrible life we live in.

i had the weirdest thought coming home from the playhouse today...if i got into a car accident and died today would my friends miss me? how would they find out? would they cry? would i be missed at all by anyone?...i dont know for some reason i had these thoughts today.

I made a Quiz for you! Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!


now the last question as you all may know i have had my own personal string og making out with random people ( and just in case somebody takes offense to it; dont't the 'stupidly' part means i have made out with and it has had som rammifications i didnt like later if you still dont get it dont try ill explain if you ask or in due time just no one get offended cause there is always at least one person who does)

ok i was at the theater tonight and i was waiting backsatge and back there is a small set of stairs leading down to the basement and im sitting bt said stairs when all of a sudden i smell smoke not just any smoke though but ciggerette smoke (mind this is a smoke free building) and it smelled like someone was smoking right by the stairs, so i go down to check it out and as im walking down the stairs the smell gets stronger so i go to turn the corner to see if anyone is in the costume shop and its gone and as anyone knows ciggerette smoke lingers for a while it dosent just dissapper so i go to the costume shop just to check and no one is there, so i thought maybe i was just crazy so i go back the same way i came and still no smell....it was as if it was never there!! so i called golhke and asked what he knew about ghosts and he said that they can produce smells but hes not exactly sure that it would be that distinct...so im not sure if i can actually state this as me being in like the presence of a ghost or what but all i do know is that it was really really weird.

oh before i start i just on a happy note NEW LJ PIC!!!! i know its of the same guy but i like this pic of him too!!!

ok so bad day this is it in a nut shell father basically telling me i waste his time and i am a burden because i dont have a license and he has to take me places!!!!! WTF!!! and that made me cry and put a damper on my whole day and now im depressed!!! FUCKING DAD!!!!

Ok since i did post yesterday i am combining the two days.
yesterday went by pretty fast, school was boring but after school was fun met up with brandon and hung out with him all afternoon so much fun!!!! we were hanging out at katies house and when he was about to leave dave (katie's little brother) was playing with a frisbe beamed him right in the neck!!! big red mark right there in the middle of the neck!!! so funny he bent over on his bike and coughing like napoleon dynamite...then i went home and talked to him for 2 more hours!!!! so today was interesting i had a breakfast food war with sarah and i won WITH PEAS!!!!!! well not much happened today...so im gonna go cause im talking to brandon now!!!!

OH MY GOD!!! the guy who plays poe in the show im in IS SO FUCKING HOT!!! and its weird he look just like poe...he has tattoos all on his arms he has a lion, and different indian and chinese symbols on his arms and neck!!! and i saw him taking his shirt off today in the dressing room...he has one on his stomach too...although i didnt get a good look at it because 1: he took it off rather quickly and 2: i had to pretend i wasnt looking *tee hee*...but he is really nice and funny and says green day rocks! PLUS 10 ON MY COOL SCALE!!!...too bad he is like 10 years older than me *sigh*

i wrote this story awhile back and found it wilst cleaning my room:
THE BATTLE!
We open to just see Golhke, Robin, Peter, Louie, Rachel, Kelly, and Alex just standing there. Not really talking...grunting occasionally.
Rachel: I'm bored, anyone got a pen?
Kelly: I do...why?
Rachel: HAND PUPPET!
Kelly: Ok your not getting it now.
Peter: I smell corndogs.
Robin: What?
Peter: I just got a whiff of corndogs I don't know where it came from.
Alex: Oh that's me I have a corndog in my pocket.
Rachel: Why?
Alex: I don't remember...anyone want it?
Golhke and Louie: ME!
Golhke: I SAID IT FIRST!
Louie: NO I DID!
Peter: Guys, there's only one way to settle this...
Louie: Ok, how?
Peter: THUMB WRESTLING!
Kelly: YES! He's right!
Cut to Louie and Golhke stretching and doing stupid things for "The Battle" Alex is rubbing Louie's sholders.
Alex: Are you sure you're ready?
Louie: Yes, it is the only way.
Robin watching Golhke while smoking a cigerette.
Robin: Thhis is funny.
Golhke: What?
Robin: Thumb wrestling over a corndog.
Louie and Golhke are standing in a chalk circle wait ing for Kelly to give the word
Kelly: READY BEGIN!
Louie and Golhke: One, two, three, four I declare this thumbwar!
Peter circles them to make sure they aren't cheating.
Peter: Winner!
Alex: WHO?!
Peter: GOLHKE!!!
All: HOO-RAH!
Golhke takes a victory lap, taunts Louie and eats his corndog.
THE END!

today went rather well as far as school goes....not much to do in history besides a test but once that was done just bullshitted with gohlke, chris, tim and EB actually they bullshitted i just stared in awe of the horrible jokes examples:
EB Joke: Little kid is walking down the street and sees a fireman and goes running home and says "MOMMY MOMMY I KNOW WHAT I WANNA BE WHEN I GROW UP A FIREMAN!!" Mothers says "Thats nice but your not gonna grow up sweety you have cancer"
Gohlke Joke: A woman and three men get marooned on a desert island. After a week the woman is so ashamd of what she is doing she kills herself. After another week the men are so ashamd by what they are doing they bury her. After another week they are so ashamd by what they are doing the dig her back up.

anyway....so my dad comes and picks me up after Garcia was bugging the fuck out of me with like poking my face!!! and we are waiting at a red light and i dont even know how the subject came up but well here is the conversation:
Him: Hmmm well I just can't wait for you to outgrow those..*points to my jelly braclets*
Me: Wha?
Him: I can't wait for you to outgrow this little goth thing
Me: *ignoring goth comment* Just like the style of clothes Dad.
Him: Liking the style of clothes is one thing but hanging out with people who wear those types of clothes....*trails off*
Me: Again Wha?
Him: People who dress like that are arrogant asses who don't think of anyone but themselves who are totally closed off, don't give a damn about anything and have serious problems...you're not like that.
Me: oooookay....*working way back into conversation he seems to be having with himself* but you know Dad despite how they act in school or whatever they are really nice people...
Him: Their asses.
Me: Kay Dad...*drones him out for the rest of the car ride*

and from what I gather from drifting in and out of the conversation he was having with himself after the STOPLIGHT EPIPHINY he seemed to have had he was complaining about his fucking arm the rest of the way home and there was something in there I think about him not liking the pink house by the old west.

*sigh* I JUST WISH HE WOULD NOTICE ME! I AM RIGHT HERE WAVING MY ARMS SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND YET I CAN'T BE HEARD!

went to an all day concert today with rachel and michelle (or more effectionetly known as Punk Rock Prom 2005) it was so fun!!! we showed up at around 1 just as the first band was setting up and we determined that the first band sucked ass! but the best bands there were Wesker, 10 Count Fall, Ecentriphobia and Made in Canada there was also one other band we liked but we couldnt figure out who the hell they were.and this guy in Made in Canada was wearing a shirt that said WHO THE FUCK IS ADAM FILL and we still dont know and i realy wanna know!!! best moments of the day:
going to mcdonalds and reminicing for 2 hours
traveling down the free way in search of taco bell and or bathroom
went to sheetz only to discover that both bathrooms were out of order and the one door that says male/female bathroom was utility closet michelle considered to piss in bucket.
never found a taco bell
throwing peach rings at lead singer of 10 count fall
throwing pieces of Special K ceral bar into a mosh pit
finding a condom on the floor after said moss pit
meeting sarah
sarah throwing slugs at people
michelle finding so many ways to say fuck
Michelle: Pussy; Cock...*Kelly and Rachel stare*...I MEANT A CAT AND A CHICKEN GET YOUR MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER!
michelle wanting a mcdonalds parfeit 10 minutes after mcdonalds offically closed
MOSH BOTTLE!!
rachel's leathal hiccups.
me stealing wesker sign
WESKER TOUR WHORES!
Me and Michelle doing the fox trot
THE FOX TROT RULES YOU ALL!!!

so many more moments all of which i cant think of right now but all in all a fun fucking day!!! I LOVE YOU RACHEL AND MICHELLE I HAD SO MUCH FUN!!!

ugh mrs farro (or how ever you fucking spell it)made me go down to mrs douglas' office to put black duct tape on my shoes WTF!! ha but i still win the battle because when i came back to class and mrs f..(ah fuck it) oh see i knew but if it comes off detention i said i dont care i like the duct tape on them i now feel special, stares were felt from all over the room...YAY!!! so now me and katie match i guess...she has the duct tape on her shoes and now i have mine...oh and just a side note for you katie mrs douglas for some odd reason thought i was you!!! hahaha ok im done!

i got a new lj pic! yes i am a dork BUT HE IS CUTE! why cant any of the guys i know look that HIM!!! oh well...thats what fantasies are for *wink*...my god im a DORK!

ugh with weight being thrown in my face again!!! today my mom came home from being out of town and that was when i realized i was glad she was gone becuase the weight talk went with her. but when i saw her this morning her face was buried in a weight-watchers book and i just rolled my eyes and walked away. so i have been basically avoiding her all day by being upstairs. but then marika gets online and says she needs to loose weight because she weighes 137 and i get pissed again...OY WITH THE WEIGHT SHIT ALREADY!!! my self-esteem equals 0 and having everyone else around me do nothing but talk about weight helps NOTHING!

Comment with your name.
1. I will write something random about you.
2. I will then tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.
3. I will pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then ask you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your LJ.

ok school was hell today everyone just asking me questions and CARR of all people started asking me questions about what happened, when i came home i was about to crack (knife in hand!if you know what i mean) but i signed online first and garcia im'd me and asked the famous question and i freaked i just broke down and told him the situation and how i felt and even tho i dont have everything figured out he helped alot and i love him for it, he is so good to me. so i still have somethings to sort out and what i need to sort out i will try and figure out on my own, but until then i am ok right now. and its all thanks to garcia. :-)